Nommy Emmination

Al Pacino's acceptance Speech (Emmy Awards) :

Good evening people. 

I apologize for what Im about to do. Im not gonna say I never imagined I could be emmynated for this Nommy...  "whatever you call it".I bet Tony Montana would say that it's one hell of a fancy-ass centerpiece. beautiful

You know Im so very  grateful for looking better than Tom Hanks this year, cuz no offense amigo but you look like a triple-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich, with arsenic sauce! ... And though I know that you know that I dont really mean that I truly believe that you have been overrated and over parted all along, just like me, but Im a stud, you are just a bloated fellow wearing a turtle neck sweater. Great actor ladies and gents, give it up for Tod Wanker. (people cheer despite the general state of confusion and the imminent possibility of a ferocious riot) Alright,enough. Enough about you Tom, Mr.American Spotlight... where was I ? 

Oh, before I go on I'd like to thank Alec Baldwin for sharing his colombian yeyo with me tonight. That is what I call a true gentleman. Give it up for my man, Alex Blowing from G-Rock... 

  Lord Bowler and I have a deal: If Kanye West Shows up tonight we either stab him in the forehead or we become best buds. The second option is only possible if he agrees to make Beyonce's public life a living hell... to seal our brotherhood, know what Im saying?

Man that anal thundercunt gives me the creeps. My maid named her hamster after her. I've conducted several experiments using crystal meth and prozac and an exercise wheel covered in fresh poster paint. Its just so much fun to watch when its poker night and you're drunk with your friends. This one time,Francis Ford Coppola laughed so hard, we actually thought he was having a heart attack and Dustin Hoffman shit farted the last time we did it.Even the maid joined the party and started yelling "work it bitch" or you'll meet your maker by dawn. 

Its kind of funny she said that, cuz this woman needs to go soul-shopping. Im not saying Im going to murder Beyonce nor the rat, I mean I dont have a plan or anything like that... and Im not saying Im a Catholic. All Im saying is, that when you get to the point where you get paid millions just for acting like an apologetic twat you have to realize that you are this close to getting old! And, come on! She ain't that special. 

Go to Queens man! like she's the only black woman with a big ass who can sing! She should do herself a favor and go back to that church choir before she has to start borrowing trousers from Queen Latifah....Just a thought here. Cause man, at least Shakira is Colombian and what happens in Colombia stays in Colombia. (unless you give the DEA a share and cross over to Miami)

But that's not the point! The point is... You shouldn't judge people for their looks, or their weight or their cellulite. Yeah! unless they are shaking it like chimpanzees trying to get raped by every single gangster in The Bronx

Damn it you have to admit it! Is there someone as constipated as that lubricated cuntbrick?! Aaaaah ! If I tried to masturbate with a mental image of that cuntshed I wouldn't cum ! My cock would puke! My whole brain would be regurgitated by my urethra! Shit-burger brainless executive slut!

Just picture her butthole getting busy in a KFC's WC, Jesus on the fucking cross! I turn on the motherfucking TV and there she is bouncing her flabby adipose tissue oiled up to the armpits. Fat, flaccid armpits.I sent her a deodorant for her birthday. But I really doubt she got the message.

But once again...whats the fucking point...whats the point of life if you are not wasted...and I know at least 78% of you people haven't been sober for decades now.

Oh... right, that reminds me that I have a confession to make.I need to get it out of my system. Some people have said this about me before, but I have never had the guts to admit it. Its eating me up. And I dont want to reincarnate in a trout or a parasite.    I never thought this moment would come! I now understand how Bonaparte must have felt...Oh I shall meet my Waterloo.

Holy Godmother and Saint Sinior Escobar...Im really sorry. May you forgive your loyal client, I mean servant! There it goes: IM NOT AN ACTOR! I cant act... Actually the man you see here, is a hologram. The truth is Im in a motel room in Alabama, wearing no underpants. Did you not get the message with the Simone Crap. You fucknuts!... (Long Pause)

Nuts, Id kill for nuts. Hawaiian Macadamia Nuts... Where was I? Anyone? ... Oh right ! I also wanna thank the sexy stranger who dropped that pill in my champagne...

Im surfing the buzz man, feels like snails playing funk in my underwear. Good shit. 

And speaking of snails and other invertebrate creatures. Where's Sean Penn...? where's that brain-dead schnitzel. Oh there you are Sam. Long time no see Champagne! Hey is that your face, or did your hat melt? What a guy...

You know, now that we are here. Ive been meaning to tell you this. I was doing PCP with Bob Saget in Fiji for like, what? 2 weeks.?.. And I started practising the retard face you often do man. And its not easy to embody the essence of someone who is physically ill-equipped and mentally impaired to lets say...DRIVE A SHOPPING CART!. That is art or maybe there's some sort of meditation technique or a minor surgical procedure. I dunno really.

I cant do it, believe me I've tried. You dont believe me? Look I'll give it my all. (starts jerking and twitching) Wait... let me find my mojo 

(rolls his eyes up to the ceiling and tries to drool, but he chokes in his spit instead and chalk boogers start spraying out of his nostrils straight to his Armani Tuxedo... Oh I cant do it man, Im such a buttnugget...I need to be schooled. If only I had a lower I.Q so that I could enjoy your company... 

What can I do... I guess I have to give you credit for your remarkable expertise in faggotry and mental deficiency... You worked hard for it. I wonder how much milk you had to swallow to get here. Hold on to that extra chromosome, it makes you special buddy.

Me...Unfortunately, I was just born to be Scarface, isn't it so?... Oh! The shame of it ! Nevertheless I do love the sound of it. The sound of it in Spanish is particularly exquisite. Listen listen, ready? Here it goes: "Caracortada!" "Caracortada!"

(Women in the audience start pulling out  tasers from their purses as The Discovery Channel Crew starts giving out tranquilizer darts)

Oh my dear talented colleagues, you know standing here in front of you so young and underpaid... Makes me feel like such an old dinosaur, like grandpa T Rex.

But mark my words, write this on a post-it and paste it on your fridge, your pill blisters, read it out loud, read it to your children, to your children's children.

I could still eat you alive...All of you ! I can, I am a maniac and I feel the urge to be feared. Maybe my mother didnt hug me enough... Could I eat you alive? and chew on your botoxicated faces while being watched by a massive international audience! I could use some publicity...

... Oh crap, the Inca message is taking over me. Holy brainers...I think I might be having an epiphany right now folks...I'll get back to you later.

Drops the award and falls asleep standing in front of the podium ....