Freak Me Up Bitcher, Im Jack the Rippaah . You Aint But A Pill Delivery Dyke With Man Titties. "

Wouldn't this be her Masterpiece ?

Two years ago,Lady Gaga(60)was convicted of murder and sentenced to life in a mental hospital for killing Donald Trump with a brick because he refused to let her try on his wig. She had also been diagnosed with rabies and syphilis.

Last Monday, Gaga was shot by one of the nurses who had worked in the institution since 1991. 

An eye-witness, who asked us to refer to him as "Spurio" in this article, testified in court later on. He is a male nurse who was on a night shift when Gaga had the last seizure that led to her bitter finale. This is an excerpt of his testimony:

"That day she was peacefully eating her own whoopsie doodles  in a dog cage (which she personally requested). It was all going well, until I handed her a dinner tray and accidentally said: "here you go gaga lady". He declared "I did not mean to call her that, it was an innocent spoonerism"

But Lady G is not exactly what you would call a forgiver... "She went fucking nuts... butter bubbles started foaming and dripping out of her hole, as she mumbled something like: "Freak me up bitcher if you wanna meet Jack the Rippaah! 

Polly wants crack, Polly wants a Valium ... give it to me or I'll pay a visit to your family, I'll hunt them down like maggots and cook them on a stick like a Viking torch and then  beat them out of recognition form.

They will sing poker face all night, dressed in barbed wire while I play Black Jack with Jack Black, Jack White, Joe Black and  the Japanese mob.

(then Gaga started singing a rare version of Disco Stick while stuffing her ears with play doh)

*Lets fuck someone, this dick is sick. I want to smoke some crack on your disco stiff.(the nurse imitated Gaga)

 "She started mumbling crap at her own imagine reflected on an aluminium urinal"

I heard her say really strange things. Nonsense basically." He quoted Gaga:
"Are to talking to me ? yeah you, Lady Gargles... cuz Im talking to you. Are you talking to me!? Just drop the bomb,dont try to confuse me, I know where you are going with all this shit! So save it, tell me where you hide the crack Wilson! Dont lie to me ugly motherfucker! I saw you crisscrossing with Whitney Houston just yesterday. Who do you think I am ??? Tony Danza ? Imna make you suck a bag of dicks... You giant retarded pile of monkey excrement ball. Why don't you go blow your brains out, you've got nothing to lose. I don't know what makes you tick, but I hope it's a time bomb."
"It was damn sad." Said Spurio."I mean, Im not a fan so I loved it, but after a while it started getting creepier and creepier...the room started to stink so I called my superiors and told them what was going on."
He  was instructed to give her a shot of tranquilizers.
 
"I tried to put an end to it but she attacked me with the urinal in question. She kept yelling "Aaron Carter is dead, I cant ride a bike, Aaron Carter is dead, I was drunk, Im sorry, don't call the cops" for no reason whatsoever as she hit me with that thing over and over again. I left the room with several injuries. I knew if I let her hurt me I could extort her lawyers or something. Im now suing her for Physical Assault. Plus I get to sell my scabs on E-bay, cause there are lots of fucked up people who'd pay lots of money for these babies" (some of the pictures of Spurio's injuries were presented as evidence in the trial)


This time, a more experienced nurse came in equipped with a shotgun.Gaga was not in a good mood but neither was the nurse.
Lady Gaga told her : I dare you to pull the trigger Mrs." Im an underpaid civil servant all dressed in white and shit. You ain't but a pill delivery dyke with man titties, you're having delusions of competence fatty. I'll let suck my mini cock, how about that?"
But what Gaga didn't know is that this woman was  a "Counter Strike" national champion, from Texas and was on a diet since 2003. She pulled the trigger before Gaga could even reach her crotch. It was a clean head shot.

She immediately passed away. May she rest in peace and never come back.

One of Gaga's famous lines: "I never thought Id ask Cher to hold my meat purse"

Yiak

The weather was so perfect when I woke up. It made me wonder if I had lung cancer already. I never really gave two flying fucks about the weather before and you never really
 I thought to myself "dont be such a party pooper. Spending an afternoon on a yacht with strangers who dance to the beat of songs that give them imperative instructions is not on my wish list but...It would be much worst to be held prisoner in a warehouse surrounded by evangelist hostages and Tool fans... The yacht ride doesn't sound so bad now, does it?"

Shake your muffin, move to the left, walk in a straight line, touch your nose... What is that all about? It sounds like some sort of manual to teach retarded people how to fornicate. Human behavior is mesmerizing. I really dont understand the purpose of the abusive usage of the command "give it me" "give me more" "show me what you've got". As if it was such a big deal ! A pecker and a cunt...Get over it. 

It will be like riding a wheel-less bus with people who aimlessly repeat the word acre as some sort of validation shield and wipe their ass with toilet paper made of clouds  by Dolce & Gabanna. I just hope they give out Bible foldouts as napkins... 

Maybe I should come up with some sort of evil of plan, I'd be thrilled to boycott such decorous event ... and I dont mean a good plan, I mean any random plan that would distract me from this urge to sink in a bathtub filled with rocket fuel...
  Im really good at puking. I could throw up inside someone's purse and steal their passports.

I'll tell everyone I have touretts and the only way to reduce the symptoms is smoking pot and drinking a full bottle of benadryl twice a day. I would rather give acid to the chipmunks in the zoo like last weekend. But I wouldn't mind swearing and spitting like Rick James in a Rehab Clinic sharing a meal with Lindsay Lohan. 

I mean I have to do it for biographic purposes. 

What are my options ? One the one hand I could spend a revolting evening nodding my head with a handful of shrimp, although, I know that considering that option would be a idiotic attempt to fool the shit out of myself...that cut the  mustard where I come from, I have a low tolerance for bullshit....On the other hand, I have different fingers...so I guess Imna fuck shit up!

I'd better get busy, I have to eat enough Cheetos and drink enough Orange Juice to decorate 11 expensive purses. Salami I cant forget salami, thats the what accentuates the stench of a voluptuous puddle of puke.

Fine linen and leather, cheetos, salami and orange juice will stick together till the end, thats a safe bet.

Gargle Mayonaise Pumpkin

Backstage chat
 

- Japanese guitar dude(aka James):
 I cant do this D'arcy! I refuse to play that mawkish song while he wails like a Backstreet Boy and proclaims his lame ass teenage love to this Vietnamese Tarsier. It has gone too far. Its gross, I feel raped... I do not want to witness another sorrowful display of self-flagellation. It feels as if Nosferatu or Galactor needed my assistance to jerk off...

(He sighed evoking fictionalized melancholia just as if he was auditioning for the

remake of the Wizard of Oz and with moony eyes he said)
Gawd,I miss you Pee Wee, and you Agatha my first love, Hoot Owl my dear old friend...Holy G-Force.I freaking loved that show. You know what? the hell with this jerkwad, Im going to go home and download it, right fucking now.

- Androgynous sky-scraping cyborg and bass player (aka D'arcy): Hold it right there Dorothy! I totally catch your drift, but come on Jap! I know she looks a bit like a Pink Fairy Armadillo. But... well thats not our damn business! You must understand that our giant needs some pussy from time to time... and you need the money. Every time you feel like spiting on his scruff, just remember that he gives you $500 bucks a day to support your cocaine habit. He's the Big Cheese here and his dope pusher's got the best shit in town. So, lets not crucify the bastard for this corny demonstration of mindless faggotry. What do you say? Are you gonna be a good dog or would you rather binge on cold turkey, Bambi.        

- Japanese guitar dude(aka James): No! no! No! I wont play that homodumbshit, in fact, Imna go smoke break fluid and pass out on someone else's vomit. That will teach that Casper wannabe a lesson. He does not know what smashing a pumpkin really means.

- Androgynous sky-scraping cyborg and bass player(aka D'arcy):Look son of a motherless goat, when I got busted with 3 bags of pure Charlie, you weren't there to bail me out. Billy showed up with Quaaludes and chocolate while you were fucking that Canadian twat...You miserable shoe eating baboon.He even got me a shrink and took care of the bills cuz I developed a rampant Policophobia due to the post-traumatic stress. I saw badges when I closed my eyes for more than 3 seconds. I had nightmares with George Michael. You have no fucking clue how that feels like!Besides, if it wasn't for him I'd be a bloody waitress in Michigan and you'd be recording tracks for Dragon Ball Z. So let me know if you come up with something more comfortable to slip into besides a coma.... Unitard... Billy:1/Jap:0  

- Japanese guitar dude(aka James):(muttering : dike...)
Agggh...aight, fine, but if he says the word "Mercury" again Im gonna send a job application to the Dragon Ball people... I'll smoke crack if I have to, I dont give a shit. If Whitney could do it man, I sure can.

- Androgynous sky-scraping cyborg and bass player(aka D'arcy): That's the spirit champ ! Now lets go get all boogered up.  

- Japanese guitar dude (aka James): After you sister, lets go get wasted. Bitches & Sake
- Androgynous sky-scraping cyborg and bass player(aka D'arcy):
Bitches & Sake comrade!

 On-Stage (45 minutes later...)

- Billy : I wanna dedicate this ballad to my sweetheart... Tila Tequila
 
- Androgynous sky-scraping cyborg and bass player(aka D'arcy): Fuck this shit... Im out. How about you my bedbugs, Who's in for a break night ? Billy brother, I love you, but some bass players,do have dignity man I

guess what Im trying to say is ...smoke my pole nubshit!
 
- Japanese guitar dude(aka James): Yay !!! wait up Fartsy!  Thats a rap for you Soft-Corgan-grene. Fuck her brains out just use a rubber. See you in Nam homie.Break liquid here I come!!!

- Drummer : knjjjhh(Snort)... Yeah man, its not personal, but I cant stand the chicken scratch no more. Life can be a bitch.

Im not looking at you in the eye ever again Billy,  ever... You sucked more than anyone ever before in the history of sucking ! Do you hear me man. You Sucked!

Nommy Emmination

Al Pacino's acceptance Speech (Emmy Awards) :

Good evening people. 

I apologize for what Im about to do. Im not gonna say I never imagined I could be emmynated for this Nommy...  "whatever you call it".I bet Tony Montana would say that it's one hell of a fancy-ass centerpiece. beautiful

You know Im so very  grateful for looking better than Tom Hanks this year, cuz no offense amigo but you look like a triple-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich, with arsenic sauce! ... And though I know that you know that I dont really mean that I truly believe that you have been overrated and over parted all along, just like me, but Im a stud, you are just a bloated fellow wearing a turtle neck sweater. Great actor ladies and gents, give it up for Tod Wanker. (people cheer despite the general state of confusion and the imminent possibility of a ferocious riot) Alright,enough. Enough about you Tom, Mr.American Spotlight... where was I ? 

Oh, before I go on I'd like to thank Alec Baldwin for sharing his colombian yeyo with me tonight. That is what I call a true gentleman. Give it up for my man, Alex Blowing from G-Rock... 

  Lord Bowler and I have a deal: If Kanye West Shows up tonight we either stab him in the forehead or we become best buds. The second option is only possible if he agrees to make Beyonce's public life a living hell... to seal our brotherhood, know what Im saying?

Man that anal thundercunt gives me the creeps. My maid named her hamster after her. I've conducted several experiments using crystal meth and prozac and an exercise wheel covered in fresh poster paint. Its just so much fun to watch when its poker night and you're drunk with your friends. This one time,Francis Ford Coppola laughed so hard, we actually thought he was having a heart attack and Dustin Hoffman shit farted the last time we did it.Even the maid joined the party and started yelling "work it bitch" or you'll meet your maker by dawn. 

Its kind of funny she said that, cuz this woman needs to go soul-shopping. Im not saying Im going to murder Beyonce nor the rat, I mean I dont have a plan or anything like that... and Im not saying Im a Catholic. All Im saying is, that when you get to the point where you get paid millions just for acting like an apologetic twat you have to realize that you are this close to getting old! And, come on! She ain't that special. 

Go to Queens man! like she's the only black woman with a big ass who can sing! She should do herself a favor and go back to that church choir before she has to start borrowing trousers from Queen Latifah....Just a thought here. Cause man, at least Shakira is Colombian and what happens in Colombia stays in Colombia. (unless you give the DEA a share and cross over to Miami)

But that's not the point! The point is... You shouldn't judge people for their looks, or their weight or their cellulite. Yeah! unless they are shaking it like chimpanzees trying to get raped by every single gangster in The Bronx

Damn it you have to admit it! Is there someone as constipated as that lubricated cuntbrick?! Aaaaah ! If I tried to masturbate with a mental image of that cuntshed I wouldn't cum ! My cock would puke! My whole brain would be regurgitated by my urethra! Shit-burger brainless executive slut!

Just picture her butthole getting busy in a KFC's WC, Jesus on the fucking cross! I turn on the motherfucking TV and there she is bouncing her flabby adipose tissue oiled up to the armpits. Fat, flaccid armpits.I sent her a deodorant for her birthday. But I really doubt she got the message.

But once again...whats the fucking point...whats the point of life if you are not wasted...and I know at least 78% of you people haven't been sober for decades now.

Oh... right, that reminds me that I have a confession to make.I need to get it out of my system. Some people have said this about me before, but I have never had the guts to admit it. Its eating me up. And I dont want to reincarnate in a trout or a parasite.    I never thought this moment would come! I now understand how Bonaparte must have felt...Oh I shall meet my Waterloo.

Holy Godmother and Saint Sinior Escobar...Im really sorry. May you forgive your loyal client, I mean servant! There it goes: IM NOT AN ACTOR! I cant act... Actually the man you see here, is a hologram. The truth is Im in a motel room in Alabama, wearing no underpants. Did you not get the message with the Simone Crap. You fucknuts!... (Long Pause)

Nuts, Id kill for nuts. Hawaiian Macadamia Nuts... Where was I? Anyone? ... Oh right ! I also wanna thank the sexy stranger who dropped that pill in my champagne...

Im surfing the buzz man, feels like snails playing funk in my underwear. Good shit. 

And speaking of snails and other invertebrate creatures. Where's Sean Penn...? where's that brain-dead schnitzel. Oh there you are Sam. Long time no see Champagne! Hey is that your face, or did your hat melt? What a guy...

You know, now that we are here. Ive been meaning to tell you this. I was doing PCP with Bob Saget in Fiji for like, what? 2 weeks.?.. And I started practising the retard face you often do man. And its not easy to embody the essence of someone who is physically ill-equipped and mentally impaired to lets say...DRIVE A SHOPPING CART!. That is art or maybe there's some sort of meditation technique or a minor surgical procedure. I dunno really.

I cant do it, believe me I've tried. You dont believe me? Look I'll give it my all. (starts jerking and twitching) Wait... let me find my mojo 

(rolls his eyes up to the ceiling and tries to drool, but he chokes in his spit instead and chalk boogers start spraying out of his nostrils straight to his Armani Tuxedo... Oh I cant do it man, Im such a buttnugget...I need to be schooled. If only I had a lower I.Q so that I could enjoy your company... 

What can I do... I guess I have to give you credit for your remarkable expertise in faggotry and mental deficiency... You worked hard for it. I wonder how much milk you had to swallow to get here. Hold on to that extra chromosome, it makes you special buddy.

Me...Unfortunately, I was just born to be Scarface, isn't it so?... Oh! The shame of it ! Nevertheless I do love the sound of it. The sound of it in Spanish is particularly exquisite. Listen listen, ready? Here it goes: "Caracortada!" "Caracortada!"

(Women in the audience start pulling out  tasers from their purses as The Discovery Channel Crew starts giving out tranquilizer darts)

Oh my dear talented colleagues, you know standing here in front of you so young and underpaid... Makes me feel like such an old dinosaur, like grandpa T Rex.

But mark my words, write this on a post-it and paste it on your fridge, your pill blisters, read it out loud, read it to your children, to your children's children.

I could still eat you alive...All of you ! I can, I am a maniac and I feel the urge to be feared. Maybe my mother didnt hug me enough... Could I eat you alive? and chew on your botoxicated faces while being watched by a massive international audience! I could use some publicity...

... Oh crap, the Inca message is taking over me. Holy brainers...I think I might be having an epiphany right now folks...I'll get back to you later.

Drops the award and falls asleep standing in front of the podium .... 

 

Hereoin vs Heroess

They should change the female word for hereo to heroess. cuz its just confusing and rather awkward when you are talking to your mother and her friends about random stuff and your 3 year old sister starts running around the house yelling heroin heroin !
You feel a twitch, that twitch turns into a smirk. And everyone in the room figures out that you are thinking about "that" heroin and well... although you are clearly not doing heroin... they.... well... you get the picture.

To be or not to be ? should I be a heroin or should I do heroin ? its too much information in one word. I can accept Dick being a proper noun, a noun and an adjective but... they went too far with heroin 

Eva Mendez & Gandhi

T -Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it - Mahatma Gandhi

J - im sorry but i don't believe in that anorexic-hindu mumbo jumbo.

T - the message is do something or else we'll be spawned into lame bohemian oblivion.. I mean why not? its either that or watching russian roulet with Eva Mendez... 

J - The lame bohemian oblivion sounds like a bitch...But still, i'd love to PLAY russian roulete with Eva Mendez. Either she blows her face in front of me (which would be AMAZING)
Or i get to splat her beautiful dress with pieces of my dirty little brain.
Its a win - win situation.

 

No Better Half

Ecuador. What a moronic name for the center of the world, with all due respect...Why didnt someone come up with an extravagant designation, one that could embody. the aura of heightened value, the mystique of this..flying rock...whatever it is.

I mean If I had never heard about the place before and someone tells me " you know Equator is the name of an hallucinogenic potato that grows in Japanese ponds, I would buy it, cuz it sounds

 so undramatic, so uneventful,so very prosaic. Makes me think of fried cheese and bananas sprinkled with yeyo... And dont get me wrong, I have absolutely nothing against dairy products, bananas and cocaine. But if you told me that Wansalabia or Zanzibar was the name of the line that cuts the orange in half, then I would respect the orange a bit more you now. Id see it as a some sort of oracular Tangerine that glows is the dark...That would be fair enough. But that name and a nickel won't buy jack shit.

Score Some Endorphins

Im bored of being bored. Im bored of being high Im bored of being stoned.

Might it be that I miss being sober? simply because being dosed up feels like being sober already. So sober is unknown territory for me.

I need to score some endorphins now. Oh mate yes! endorphins, the sound of it gives me hope. I imagine myself jogging with fluorescent green Lycras and ... even if I get hit buy a truck piloted by a goat on speed wearing a coca cola cap, right arm over tanned by the window sun exposure. The point is I need to try to see the sunlight more often and restrain the urge to cover my windows with black plastic bags as Ive been doing for the last couple of months.

I have so many things in my mind ! and usually when people say this they mean, important things, like you are worried or trying to figure something out, or trying to loggin to the pentagon's data base, but no ! Im my case its just a huge pie of rubbish. Want an example ? words like cheese ball, fart, ballon, colonoscopy, stalagmite, worms and wham (yeah... the band, and Im not proud of that). All of these meaningless concepts and many others bulk up in my head, like a virus attacking a helpless PC assembled in yemen...

Fuck you Im an Apple, you know? and I have a green card. So fuck Yemen ! and fuck you yerms ! you too germans, and germs too fuck em all.

Fuck Up The Status Quo

I give 2 flying fucks

I set my computer screen on fire this morning (more by accident than by design, I dare say). The bright side is that Im starting to get used to the fact that everything I touch turns to shit. I couldnt give less of a fuck (Just like Nick Nolte)...and it feels good . Its Evolution baby. (Eddie eat dog shit)

And Im an Ed-diot and I want to be your friend. Check out my band